America’s Leading News Source The Onion … what can you say? Usually you’re too busy laughing to say anything.
Teresa at Making Light published a list of all the major Onion headlines during the Bush years. Here are my favorites.
January 26, 2000: Bush Reaches Out To Hispanic Community With Generous Tip.
March 8, 2000: Bush ‘Refuses To Dignify’ Mass-Murder Allegations.
August 9, 2000: Republicans’ ‘Diversity Through Imported Africans’ Plan Criticized.
October 18, 2000: Bush Horrified To Learn Presidential Salary.
November 15, 2000: Serbia Deploys Peacekeeping Forces To U.S.
December 20, 2000: Bush Calls For End To ‘Era Of Political Argument’.
January 17, 2001: Bush: ‘Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over’.
May 30, 2001: Bush Actually President, Nation Suddenly Realizes.
July 18, 2001: Bush Vows To Remove Toxic Petroleum From National Parks.
August 22, 2001: Bush Vows To Wipe Out Prescription-Drug Addiction Among Seniors.
September 26, 2001: Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell.
September 26, 2001: God Angrily Clarifies ‘Don’t Kill’ Rule.
September 26, 2001: Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake.
September 26, 2001: Bush Sr. Apologizes To Son For Funding Bin Laden In ’80s.
September 26, 2001: U.S. Vows To Defeat Whoever It Is We’re At War With.
September 26, 2001: Dinty Moore Breaks Long Silence On Terrorism With Full-Page Ad.
September 26, 2001: Point/Counterpoint: We Must Retaliate With Blind Rage…
October 3, 2001: U.S. Urges Bin Laden To Form Nation It Can Attack.
October 10, 2001: Freedoms Curtailed In Defense Of Liberty.
November 14, 2001: U.S. To Arab World: ‘Stop Hating Us Or Suffer The Consequences’.
January 16, 2002: Bush Attempts To Distance Self From Yet Another Failed Business.
March 6, 2002: Bush Calls On Business Leaders To Create 500,000 Shitty Jobs By 2003.
September 11, 2002: Bush Won’t Stop Asking Cheney If We Can Invade Yet.
October 2, 2002: Bush Seeks U.N. Support For ‘U.S. Does Whatever It Wants’ Plan.
October 16, 2002: Bush On Economy: ‘Saddam Must Be Overthrown’.
December 18, 2002: Bill Of Rights Pared Down To A Manageable Six.
January 15, 2003: Bush On North Korea: ‘We Must Invade Iraq’.
February 5, 2003: Department Of The Interior Sets Aside Two Million Acres For Car Commercials.
February 12, 2003: Saddam Enrages Bush With Full Compliance.
February 12, 2003: N. Korea Wondering What It Has To Do To Attract U.S. Military Attention.
February 19, 2003: Terrorism ‘Not Likely’ Cause Of Fire At Local Laundromat.
March 12, 2003: Bush Orders Iraq To Disarm Before Start Of War.
March 12, 2003: Congress Accidentally Approves Arts Funding.
March 26, 2003: Vital Info On Iraqi Chemical Weapons Provided By U.S. Company That Made Them.
April 2, 2003: Government No Longer Even Bothering To Hide Halliburton Favors.
April 2, 2003: I Should Not Be Allowed To Say The Following Things About America.
June 4, 2003: Bush Visits U.S.S. Truman For Dramatic Veterans’-Benefits-Cutting Ceremony.
June 18, 2003: U.S. Refuses To Allow U.N. Weapons Inspectors Back Into Iraq.
September 10, 2003: Relations Break Down Between U.S. And Them.
September 10, 2003: White House Denied Third Mortgage.
September 17, 2003: Revised Patriot Act Will Make It Illegal To Read Patriot Act.
October 15, 2003: Lieberman Pledges To Gloss Over The Boring Issues.
October 22, 2003: CIA-Leak Scapegoat Still At Large.
January 28, 2004: Bush 2004 Campaign Pledges To Restore Honor And Dignity To White House.
April 14, 2004: New Negative Campaign Ads Blast Voters Directly.
April 21, 2004: Cheney Wows Sept. 11 Commission By Drinking Glass Of Water While Bush Speaks.
April 28, 2004: Bush To Iraqi Militants: ‘Please Stop Bringing It On’.
July 7, 2004: Nation’s Liberals Suffering From Outrage Fatigue.
September 8, 2004: Bush Campaign More Thought Out Than Iraq War.
October 13, 2004: Cheney Vows To Attack U.S. If Kerry Elected.
November 3, 2004: U.S. Inspires World With Attempt At Democratic Election.
November 10, 2004: Bush Promises To Unite Nation For Real This Time.
November 10, 2004: Nation’s Poor Win Election For Nation’s Rich.
January 5, 2005: Bush Celebrates Millionth Utterance Of ‘Lessons Of Sept. 11’.
March 30, 2005: Bush Launches Preemptive Attack On Social Security.
July 20, 2005: Marine Corps Shortens Slogan To ‘The Few’.
November 23, 2005: Topeka Mayor Now Highest-Ranking Non-Indicted Republican Official.
January 20, 2006: CEO Needs $30 Million Aspen Home To Recharge Batteries.
February 8, 2006: White House Debuts Iraq War Infomercial.
February 14, 2006: Bush Hides U.S. Report Card In Sock Drawer.
February 27, 2006: Democrats Vow Not To Give Up Hopelessness.
March 13, 2006: Bush Increasingly Focused On How Revisionist History Will See Him.
April 26, 2006: EPA Didn’t Know Anybody Was Still Drinking Water.
May 31, 2006: Critics Blast Al Gore’s Documentary As ‘Realistic’.
August 1, 2006: Bush Grants Self Permission To Grant More Power To Self.
August 15, 2006: U.S. Dedicates $64 Billion To Undermining Gates Foundation Efforts.
November 7, 2006: Republicans Blame Election Losses On Democrats.
November 22, 2006: CNN Renews This Week At War For Next Eight Seasons.
December 13, 2006: Failed Attempt At Hyperbole Yields Dead-On Statistic.
March 26, 2007: Injured Troops Request Extended Tours To Avoid Being Sent To Walter Reed.
March 28, 2007: Heroic Secret Service Agent Takes Question Intended For Bush.
March 28, 2007: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Confesses To Confessing Under Torture.
June 5, 2007: Secret Service Agent Takes Out Dandelion On White House Lawn.
August 24, 2007: Democratic Mob Censures Bush In Effigy.
September 20, 2007: In The Know: White House Announces ‘Everything Is Great In Iraf’.
September 21, 2007: Fifteen Awesome Lies about Hillary Clinton.
October 10, 2007: Cost Of Freedom At All-Time High.
December 18, 2007: Gore Wins Oscar, Nobel Peace Prize For Slide-Show Presentation.
January30, 2008: We Must All Do Our Part To Preserve This ClimateOf Fear.
May 14, 2008: Obama Voicemail Message Not That Inspiring.
June 16, 2008: Grandmother Proud To Have Lived Long Enough To See First Viable Female Candidate Torn Apart.
July 2, 2008: Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency.
July 9,2008: Bill Clinton Sadly Folds First Lady Dress Back Into Box.
July 14, 2008: Recession-Plagued Nation Demands New Bubble To Invest In.
July 30, 2008: Al Gore Places Infant Son In Rocket To Escape Dying Planet.
August 22, 2008: Bush Told To Sign Birthday Treaty For Someone Named ‘Kyoto’.
September 3, 2008: Top Story On John McCain Run Out Of Obligation.
September 17, 2008: Obama Deletes Another Unread MoveOn.org E-Mail.
September 22, 2008: Man Succumbs To Seven-YearBattle With Health Insurance.
October 3, 2008: Bush Goes Blonde For Remainder Of Presidency.
October 7, 2008: Gunman Kills 15 Potential Voters In Crucial Swing State.
October 13, 2008: Michelle Obama All That Stands Between Love-Struck Media, Barack Obama.
October 30, 2008: Struggling Lower Class Still Unsure How Best To Fuck Selves With Vote.
November 5, 2008: Black Man Given Nation’s Worst Job.
December 2, 2008: U.S. Economy Continues Campaigning For Barack Obama.
December 8, 2008: Bush’s Eyelid Accidentally Nailed To Wall.
December 9, 2008: Supreme Court Overturns Bush v. Gore.
January 14, 2009: Bush, Cheney Stand Back-To-Back, Cock Shotguns One Last Time.
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